Wednesday, February 29, 2012

$350,000 a year


Yahoo! you have unleashed my rage. This is what I get for not sticking with MSN for my news. Mr. Andrew Schiff, a director for marketing at Euro Pacific Capital Inc., says that his $350,000 a year isn't enough for him and his family to live off of. Really? I don't know anyone who makes that much money a year, but everyone I know has (mostly) comfortable lives. A man named Alan Dlugash, who works as a financial planner for the wealthy, said this about this type of scenario (because apparently a lot of America's top 1% feel the same), "People who don't have money don't understand the stress. Could you imagine what it's like to have three kids in private school, and then tell them they have to be pulled out of it?"

This man says that you don't understand stress because you're poor.
I say we all paw at his suits with our poor hands.  
 
Woah, woah, woah....people who don't have money don't understand stress? Did he really say that? Did I make that up? No, I didn't. This guy is really that narcissistic. How would not having money be stress-free? Constantly worrying about how to feed your kids? Wondering how far they can drive before their car just stops on them, and in turn not being able to get to their minimum wage job to feed their family? Public schools!? THE HORROR!

This place reeks of middle to upper middle class peasants. 

He later said, "If you're making $50,000 and your salary gets down to $40,000 and you have to cut, it's very severe to you," Dlugash said. "But it's no less severe to these other people with these big numbers." I wonder if anyone told him that the average household income for 2010 was $49,445. He'd probably laugh and say, "What can you buy with that? Toilet paper?"
Daniel Arbeeny said in the article that his, "income has gone down tremendously." He even recently had to drive to a market in Brooklyn to by discounted Salmon at 5.99 a pound. What a hard life, sir. When asked about his income, he declined to comment. He did, however, assure us that he no longer takes his annual to Whistler, Tahoe, or Aspen.

Which is too bad, I don't think I could hear him whine about being rich up here. 

Moving on, a real-estate investor and hedge-fund manager said that most people on Wall Street don't save. I thought these guys were supposed to be smart? With their large incomes, you'd think they'd save some money for a rainy day. I guess I was wrong, because when they don't get their bonuses, they whine to Yahoo! reporters about how hard it is to live off of over a quarter million dollars a year. Just a side note, I feel like some of you may think that I would be in support of the Occupy Wall Street movement because of this. Just to clarify, I'm not. I'm all for capitalism and being successful. I just don't like how these people whine when they don't get their bonuses that are larger than an entire year's pay for some people. It's childish and extremely narcissistic. Vote, Follow, PEACE OFF.

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

How to tell if your neighbor is a zombie



If you're reading this, you're wondering if your neighbor is a zombie. It can be hard to tell, so it's understandable why you're consulting the internet while little Timmy from across the street is banging on the door groaning in his pre-pubescent voice (no, children aren't immune to this desire to consume the living). The first thing you want to do, is to check the skin of the suspect. Is it rotting and falling off? If so, they probably either have a disease called Necrotizing Fascitis, or are a zombie.

 It's just a flesh wound.

Still, you can never be too sure. Is the victim stumbling and shuffling around with no real aim? They could either be drunk, or the undead. Or both. If zombies could get drunk. Still not sure? Why don't you throw some raw meat in front of the dazed neighbor. If he looks at you with a look that says,'Why are you throwing raw meat at me, fool?' your neighbor isn't a zombie. But if he tears in to the meat with a new found gusto for life, then you might have a corpse for a neighbor. The ultimate test though is this: Get yourself a gun, and shoot the suspect in the head. Everyone knows the only way to kill a zombie is to kill the brain. Granted, a normal person would also die if shot in the head, but you can never be too sure. Maybe you can try a self-defense argument when in court? But don't take my word on law, I just write on the internet. Vote in my poll, Follow my blog, PEACE OFF.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Things I've learned from life...trench coats


Never trust a person wearing a trench coat. The people who wear these are usually of ill repute, and are a bit sketchy. Think of all the things they could conceal under there: guns, knives, swords, little people, light sabers, or worst of all...nothing.



There could be absolutely nothing under that full body coat. Which would be absolutely gross. Think of all of the germs that they're dispersing...sickos. You know who wears trench coats? Serial killers. Criminals. Rick Astley. That's right. Weird artists from the 80's who frequently trick you into watching their music videos.


Thanks, Mr. Astley, you ruined the biggest parade in the United States. Do I really need to say more about trench coats? You just wait, you'll have a reason to not trust them soon enough. Vote in the poll, follow with your Google account, and PEACE OFF.

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Stingrays are Terrifying


Yesterday I had the privilege of going to an aquarium in Salt Lake City. It was pretty fun, there were loveable otters, playful penguins, glowing jellyfish, tiny seahorses, and something a bit more ominous, Stingrays. If you weren't aware, one of these hell-spawn killed the great Steve Irwin, when all he did was play with animals and teach others about how to treat them.

We all knew an animal would kill you, but we
assumed it would be an alligator you punched that got you.

So naturally, they terrify me. Have you ever seen the show River Monsters? Absolutely terrifying. The host of that show caught a Stingray that weighed over 400 pounds. The stinger on that Ray was over 8 inches long, and has serrated edges. If you don't understand, what I'm trying to say is this, "it will kill you, eat your body, and devour your soul."

One less Stingray to worry about.

While I was there, the girl I was with kept trying to make me touch them, and when I didn't want to, would proceed to call me a big girl. While we watched them, one was swimming by. It suddenly and very violently turned towards her and she screamed. Who's the girl now? I watched the other small children petting them, and kept thinking, "If they only knew how evil they are." One kid almost found out when it "jumped" up and tried to devour this poor boy's arm.
This kid now knows the truth behind Stingrays.

Because I gave in to peer pressure pretty easily, I did end up touching one of them. What I felt was slimy, evil, and full of hatred. Once all of those pesky bringers of death are gone, the world will be better off, trust me. Vote, follow, PEACE OFF.

Friday, February 24, 2012

Surprise Post!

I had a little time before I left today, so I'm updating this on my phone. While driving a little bit at 5:30 in the morning, I noticed that traffic laws go out the window. I had to turn left at a green light, and after I went, a truck facing a red light decided since nobody else was there that he could just go through the red light. Immediately after, someone threw a Honey Badger into his cab and he was immediately killed by said Badger. They can do that. But that made me start to wonder: if there is nobody around and you're at a stop light or stop sign, is it ok to run it if it meant nobody would get hurt? Or should you still wait? I'll admit, a few years ago I was driving through the village I live in at around 2 in the morning, and sat at a red light at what seemed like forever (but was probably only 30 seconds, time has no meaning at stop lights), and so I ran it. Nobody was around, nobody was hurt, and nobody saw. Is that ok? I think so. Now say that I was pulled over and couldn't use my silver tongue and devilish good looks to get out of it? They'd probably put me in the electric chair...or maybe give me a ticket. Either way, it's the end of my world. I know this really wasn't that funny, but cut me some slack, my best material comes when not half asleep waiting to leave town. Vote, follow, PEACE OFF.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Blue Skinned People


Once again, msn.com has intrigued me with their headlines. Blue-skinned family? What a problem. I wonder how often people thought they were dead when they were actually just sleeping. This rare condition is known as methemoglobinemia, and is a rare blood disorder that causes the skin to have a blue tinge to it. Read the link, it can explain it better, but the general idea of it is the overall reduced ability to release oxygen to the tissues. I bet their legs went dead fairly quickly when they sat down. Or even stopped moving for that matter. I wonder if their whole body would go numb when they sleep. I would imagine it would be a problem. I know when I sleep, I put my arms up under the pillow, and then they go numb during the night. I have a hard time moving when I get up because of it. That would be the pits if it happened to my whole body. So many questions come to mind though. Are they the ancestors of the Blue Man Group? Are they distant, taller cousins to the Smurfs? The most important question though has to be this: Nightcrawler is blue...So are these people...Do they have superpowers too?

But hopefully not look so evil.

Now I won't be able to write tomorrow, I'm going to be traveling most of the day, but I'll be back hopefully on Saturday. Read an old post or seven if you miss me that much. Also, I'd like to get 2,000 views before February is over. I know that's only 6 days, but I think if you guys shared it with two people, and they shared it with two people, we'd all be better off. Probably a bit smarter too. It'd be like a pyramid scheme, only legal. Thanks for helping me out! Vote, follow, PEACE OFF.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Problems with the movie "This Means War"

Let's start at the beginning. The opening scene is two best friends/spies who are supposed to stop some big deal from going down (what the deal is, I'm not sure. I honestly don't remember what it was ever being mentioned) at a party, and to keep it quiet.

"We'll kill them with our good looks and fancy suits."

Needless to say, the operation starts with gunfire everywhere, and ends up with numerous dead bodies, and a guy being flung off of the high rise they were on, onto a cab on a busy city street. Let's do a little recap of the "fight." First off, they both fire their pistols from their hips. "That's fine," you say with a false optimism, "they just won't hit anyone!" Oh my sweet, sweet, naive readers. Not true. Every bullet finds its intended mark, and the duo aren't even hit (even though the baddies have submachine guns and 30 more people).
The plot proceeds as you would suspect. One of the two starts to date a girl, and then the other one accidentally bumps into her and gets her to go out with him. They start a "friendly" wager to see who can get the girl, and predictable shenanigans ensue. They both use their CIA resources to spy on her to find her likes and dislikes, and proceed to manipulate her into a relationship.


I'm sure this is how my taxes are used.

Eventually it drives the friends apart, she realizes that they were playing her this whole time, realizes they're both spies, and then proceeds to pick one of them. Congratulations, Chris Pine, your relationship is built upon lies and deceit. Follow, vote, PEACE OFF

Monday, February 20, 2012

Dear Strata,

You're taking President's Day off? Really? I called to see what I could do to fix my modem because the power button magically stopped working, and you have an answering service tell me that there is nobody on call? I would understand if this were Thanksgiving or Christmas. Heck, I'd even be more understanding if it were New Year's (eve or day, I'm easy going). But President's Day!? I have things I need to do, and I'd prefer using a computer instead of my phone (and I really want to get on xbox live) but no...because you're the only internet provider in my area, you think you can do what you want. So go ahead, limit my bandwidth. Have poor customer service. Take every minor holiday off. What you'll never take though is, my FREEDOM!

sincerely yours,

Dylan

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Twilight fans

Sorry this post is so late, I've been fighting to get my internet connection to work all day. I lost, so I'm attempting this from my phone.
If you don't know about the Twilight movies already, consider yourself blessed. It's basically about a mentally unstable girl who must choose between necrophilia and bestiality. At work (you'll notice that a lot of my stories take shape when dealing with the peasants) there was a girl about 14 years old who came in with her mother. The girl asked her mom if she could get the movie, and the mom wisely said no. Instead of accepting that she had a terrible taste in movie selection and going home to deeply ponder why she would like such things, she kept asking. Here is a transcript of the conversation.

Girl: Can I get the new Twilight movie?
Mom: No.
G: Why not?
M: Because you don't need it.
G: Yes I do!
M: No.
30 second pause
G: Can I see your phone?
M: Why?
G: So I can call dad to see if he'll buy it for me.
M: (looks at her in disbelief) No. Now stop it.
G: Well will you buy it for me?
M: Still no. Stop asking.
G: Well can I see your phone?
M: Really? No. You can't. Now stop.
G: Then will you buy it?
M: I knew I should have gotten a dog instead...

Ok, so that last part didn't happen, but I wish it did. I bet she was thinking it though. Put that whole conversation on loop for about 7.5 minutes. Insufferable. I've never hit a child, let alone a girl, but someone was mere seconds away from having their face beaten in with one of those plastic bars that separates groceries. I imagine most Twilight fans are like this.  Vote, follow, PEACE OFF.

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Cartoon Week Day 4 (Muppets)





Sorry I haven't posted the past few days, I've been indisposed. Who doesn't love the Muppets? They're clean, they're funny, they're fun, and they're not anti-capitalist commies! Wait...They're all of them but one, I'll let you guess which it is.

Communism: it's a party

In their newest movie, the Muppets fight against a man named Tex Richman, an oil baron, who wants to tear down their theater to drill for oil. What's wrong with wanting to drill for oil? Mr. Richman is a business man, and according to Hollywood, business men are all evil and all they want is money, power, and the occasional building to destroy in the most over-dramatic way possible.

"How much C4 can you get?"

Who doesn't want that? I'll tell you who, the Muppets. That's who. Now I'm sure that Mr. Richman would have paid a good price for the theater, and maybe even thrown in some complimentary barrels of oil just to ease the pain of losing a theater (because apparently this is the last theater in existence). I'm also sure that these Muppets could have gone a block or two down the road, or anywhere else in the United States and worked at a theater there, because hey, they're talking stuffed animals. No, that can't happen because wanting to be a successful business man isn't fair to anyone else. People buy and sell properties for (usually) a profit, and that's how the world works. There's no reason to be prejudiced against a successful person, unless that person became successful through dishonest means. Then you reserve the right to break their knee caps.


Plus, these guys control them. Vote, follow, PEACE OFF.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Cartoon Week Day 3

You wouldn't believe the people I work with. Let's start with the girls. One of them is pretty easy on the eyes. Unfortunately, that's really the only thing going for her, she's as dumb as a rock. On top of that, she's a red head. So you know, no soul. Which would be a bummer.
Then there's the short and stocky brown haired girl. She's really smart, but isn't very good looking, and I don't think she ever showers, it's kind of gross.
I think the gem of the group though has to be the lurpy stoner and his dog. He is constantly high. I think the dog must have gotten a contact high, because it always seems like he's trying to talk to us. They're always eating too, and it gets in the way of work, and they make a mess.
Anyway, we drive around in a van and solve mysteries and crap.

Vote, follow, PEACE OFF.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Cartoon Week Day 2 (Winnie the Pooh)

It's that time of day again where I ruin part of your childhood! Today's topic: Winnie the Pooh!
Every single one of the characters from that series has some sort of mental health issue going on. Some serious, others not so serious. Let's begin.
Christopher Robin (Schizophrenia): I think that one pretty much goes for itself. You may say he has an over active imagination, and I'd disagree of course. Yeah, everyone had imaginary friends when they were little, (I had a swarm of bees follow me around to protect me cause I'm cool) but how many of your imaginary friends were depressed? Had OCD? Anxiety? None, right? That's because you had a healthy mind. I think.


Pooh (Eating disorder): Gotta get that honey. He's always trying some way to get honey in every episode. It's all about food to him. He may also have a small OCD problem because he's always counting things as well.


Piglet (Anxiety): He's always worried about something, whether it be the Heffalumps and Woozles, or just being worried about being worried. Something is always wrong with that little pig.


Owl (Narcissist OR Group Therapist): This one is a little bit harder. He's always perched above them proclaiming to know what's best, but on the other hand, they all go to him for advice. So that one you can decide on your own or get mad at me for in the comments.


Tigger (ADHD): That one is pretty obvious. He also has no regard for personal safety. When he first comes to the Hundred Acre Woods, he tries anything and everything. So he probably has some kind of substance abuse problem.


Rabbit (OCD): Everything has to be in perfect order for this guy. If it's not, he will freak out and try to fix it until it is. He probably has a little narcissism in him too.


Eeyore (Depression): Nothing ever goes right for this guy, so it's a little understandable that he isn't very happy. Be sure to follow and vote, PEACE OFF.

Monday, February 13, 2012

Cartoon Week Day 1 (Spongebob)

This week is going to have a theme. Every post is going to be about a cartoon series, some old, some new. I haven't ruined anyone's childhood lately, so let's get started.
Which one of the characters from Spongebob do you identify with the most? The always happy Spongebob? The perky Sandy? What about Squidward? Every one of the main characters on Spongebob is a representative of one of the 7 deadly sins. Did you know that? So who did you identify with? I'd like to imagine that you each picked someone and now feel a little bad that you know that now.


1. Greed (Mr. Krabs): This one seems pretty obvious I think. He's always looking for a way to get more and more money, even if it involves taking advantage of his friends.


2. Envy (Plankton): This is another obvious one. Everything that Plankton does involves trying to steal Mr. Krabs Krabby Patty formula to become just as successful as him.


3. Sloth (Patrick): In one of the episodes, He is actually given an award for "Doing absolutely nothing longer than anyone else." I don't think I need to go on.


4. Wrath (Squidward): He does nothing but complain about everyone and everything in every episode. He complains about his job, his neighbors and how nobody appreciates him.


5. Pride (Sandy): She's from Texas.


6. Gluttony (Gary): In one of the episodes, Spongebob forgets to feed Gary. Because of this, Gary eats an entire year's worth of snail food and becomes morbidly obese. I don't even eat that much.

7. Lust (Spongebob): Lust is defined as "a passionate or overmastering desire or craving". All he does is try to please everyone, friend and foe alike.

So, who was your favorite character again? Vote, follow, and PEACE OFF.

Saturday, February 11, 2012

Benefits of Video Games






There are a lot of nay-sayers about video games out there. People need a scapegoat for bad behavior, and what better excuse than violent video games!? Oh wait...Violent video games don't make people violent. Anger, jealousy, and sometimes even mental disorders make people violent. I'm not sure because I wasn't around before video games were invented, but I think wars were fought and people were violent then too.

Unless they're using dart guns and paper towel tubes for swords, I'm right.

I've played more violent video games than I can count, but I've never been in a fight in my life. I've never even had the desire to. I guess part of that is because I'm also 5'9" and weigh a buck twenty.
Studies on video games have shown that there are many benefits to playing as well. Take multitasking for example, and think of the game Pac-Man. You have to find your way through a maze while watching the path of four other enemies as to not be intercepted. All the while you have to pick up the little pellets to advance to the level.

Not only does he eat pellets, but he loves the souls
of the unsuspecting tourist.

That takes a bit of spatial recognition. Apply that to driving; everything is constantly changing when going down the road.
Besides multitasking, a lot of popular titles out there require teamwork online and off. Unless you're the type of person who screams racial and homophobic slurs at your team into the mic of course (by the way, nobody likes you, you're adopted). Take Gears of War for example. There is a mode on there called Horde where wave after wave of increasingly ugly creatures try to saw you in half with chainsaws and smash you with exploding maces. One or two of the players can create a distraction while the others go around the side and maybe chainsaw them in half.

One of the many consequences for not working together.

Let's apply that now. Get a group of buddies together, and create some sort of distraction downtown that may or may not cause police intervention (nothing too serious though). While the attention is at your local trailer park, the rest of your buddies can go rob the bank! Everyone wins, AND you worked as a team!
On top of all of those, with the new Xbox Kinect, there are a great many exercise games out there that will get your fat butt up off of the couch and turn it into a lean-mean fruit slicing machine.

Unfortunately, your hands won't actually turn into swords.
(work on that, Microsoft.)

Applying that to the bank robbery above, and you'll be able to carry more money away, maybe learn some karate, and run faster from the trained police dogs! Vote on the side and follow, PEACE OFF!

Friday, February 10, 2012

The Beautiful People

Once again we're going to talk about the beautiful people. I'm not even going to pad this, if you're going to be famous, you better be good looking. Nobody wants to look at Pauly Shore, and if you do, you have poor taste in probably everything.

Oh Pauly...your career didn't die quickly enough...

They aren't called the beautiful people for nothing. Let's not kid ourselves about Khloe Kardashian either. Look at her sisters and then look at her. For once in my life, I actually believe the National Enquirer when it said that OJ Simpson was her real dad.

The troll blood is uncanny!

Moving on. Look as Scarlett Johansson. She is probably one of the most attractive women on the planet. Nay, the universe. It's clear that she is here to grace our meager existences with her beauty and grace. Same with Kim and Kourtney Kardashian. They look good. If you have never heard of any of these women and you were walking down the street and saw one, your first thought would be, "They must be famous, they're beautiful!"

Yep.

Granted, the Kardashians are famous for...being famous? I'm not even sure why they are honestly. It has to be something though. Maybe it's for being beautiful. That's why I'm famous. Vote and follow....PEACE OFF!

Nicholas Cage a Vampire!?


I was perusing MSN.com when I got off of work tonight, and I saw a nifty little article named "Nicolas Cage: I'm Not a Vampire" Because I'm a fan of good ol' Cage, I had to read why in the world people would think he was Ghost Rider and a vampire. Granted, both would be servants of evil, but I wasn't aware someone could be both! If anyone could though it would be him. I mean look how versatile he is.

He has quite the range of emotions.

The reason people have thought that he is a vampire is this photo of a man that lived 140 years ago who looks weirdly similar.

Huh.

When asked about being a vampire on Late Show with David Letterman, he replied: "I don't drink blood, and the last time I looked in the mirror, I had a reflection," Cage insisted. "So I'm not going with the vampire theory. I'm not going to do it." I guess the only way we'll find out if he's part of the undead is if he's around in another few hundred years. If he is, he better continue making awesome movies. Be sure to vote and follow, PEACE OFF.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

American Idol




American Idol is one of the worst shows on television and if you disagree, you're a terrorist. There, I said it. It's not entertaining. When it first started, I'll admit, I enjoyed it. Well I enjoyed the auditions because people are so fun to laugh at (I'm heartless, I'm not sure I've mentioned that). Everything else was kind of boring. Someone is watching it right now, and I believe it's currently the group performances. It's 50 minutes in, and so far all that it has been is complaint after complaint after complaint followed by whining and then a little more complaining sprinkled with some crying and no performances. I'm not sure which is more annoying, the pitchy voices or the annoying judges. The original three judges were the best in my opinion. Especially Simon, he told it how it was and wasn't afraid to do it.

No, he isn't stroking. That's how he looks when someone is stupid.
I admire him.

Fortunately, there is a much better alternative on out there called The Voice. I'm not very big on shows such as American Idol, Survivor, or even The Voice (I thought). Maybe it's because I like Adam Levine and Blake Shelton cause they're awesome, but they seem so much more relaxed on that show. Not only are the contestants competing against each other, but the judges are as well because they have the contestants on their teams to be coached. But yeah, American Idol sucks.
The new goal is for everyone to follow, and to hit 5,000 views as soon as possible. I think it can happen, but only if you help. If you need some sort of incentive, make it known. Vote in the side poll and PEACE OFF.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

1000 Views

Pretend that happy guy is me
Hey everyone. I took a break for the past few days mourning the loss of the Patriots, I'm sorry. Hopefully after this post, I'll be close to 1,000 views. Because I'm a nerd, it's kind of a big deal. To me anyway. What I'd like to do next is get more followers. So spread the word if you feel this is worth it, and follow yourself. I would appreciate it! Coming up with new ideas can be a little difficult at times, and more than half of the time, I just sit down and ramble as I'm sure most of you can clearly tell. If you have any ideas on what I should attempt to write about next, leave a comment. If you feel the need to make fun of me, leave a comment. If you'd like to write an article and have me put it up here, let me know and I'll be more than willing to post it. As long as it's nothing TOO offensive. If for whatever reason you actually like this kind of stuff, vote on the side poll and tell me. Well, Ghost Hunters is on, and as I've mentioned a few times, I'm a nerd. So I'm going to watch it. PEACE OFF.